Trying to cure my marriage coma

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marriage coma challenge

My heart longs for the thrill, the unquenchable desire and wondering if that desire is returned.  Remember that first love? The passion…no…passion is too weak a word. My heart fluttering into my throat, wondering if this sexy man returned my love. Then overwhelmed with desire for his body as I realized he was as madly in love with me as I was with him. 

I want that back. 

When did we lose it? Why must it ever be lost? Can it be returned? 

Our marriage is so young, and yet we managed to squeeze so much life into 8 brief years. Three young children, two businesses (one closed one thriving). Travel, ballet, tap, Tae Kwon Do, house remodel. It has never slowed down! 

Is that the answer? To slow down? But to slow down is to miss an opportunity, to fall behind as your competitors pass you by. And to slow down is to, well, slow down. When life is fast and exciting it keeps my attention. Slow is boring. Slow is laziness. 

Slow is Josh’s pace. And yet I cannot bear the thought of going his pace. I am driven! I have goals, dreams, a bullet list of items to accomplish. 

The Christian community would tell me to be a good submissive wife and go the pace of my husband, not force him to allow me to go my own pace. It is a partnership, not a dictatorship. He should not acquiesce to me, I ought to defer to him. He is God’s head of our household. And so on. 

I rebut with the argument: As the head of the house, Josh empowered me to make my own decisions for my own happiness. He understands my skills and drive are best suited for accomplishing my potential and does not want anything to hold me back. 

I wonder…I wonder what would happen if I tried to live how the “Christian community” wants me to. In the same vein as my friend wrote in her book “A Year in Biblical Womanhood,” I want to try the same experiment, but not as in depth. I want to spend 3 days staying off the computer and keeping a calm, quiet, yet joyful spirit in the home. I want to try that life, just to see what it is like for my family. What would happen? Would my moodiness alleviate, resulting in a happier home (and better marriage?). Or would all the pressure on Josh’s shoulders break him, drive me crazy, and pull us even farther apart? 

I am willing to do anything to bring peace and romance back into our home. This experiment will open my eyes to parts about my thoughts and viewpoints that will hopefully shed light on solutions I overlooked before. Our family is rushed, my work is packed, our hearts are not still and yet the marriage is in a comfortable coma. 

I’ve heard the comfortable coma is a place marriages fall into in the midst of the business of children and employment. Taking a step back ought to prove illuminating. I can’t wait to share my results! 

The 3-day challenge will run from Thursday, February 6th – Sunday, February 9th. My co-writer Rachel will be publishing a post on Thursday (avocado pudding!) but I will not be on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, or writing on my blog. 

P.S.  Josh read this post before I published it. He thinks it is a fantastic idea and he is going to write a post of his thoughts after the experiment is over. 

 

Written by:: Annie Shultz

Annie Shultz has written 1947 post in this blog.

She is THE Mama Dweeb :) She created this blog back in 2009 and loves to inspire and connect with others through her writing. She also loves talking, dreaming, 90s pop and country music.

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Comments

  1. says

    I would venture that in a partnership, that is just what you are, partners. TWO people working TOGETHER to make your marriage complete and passionate. No where in the Bible does it say that marriage doesn’t require both the husband and the wife to work at the passion. And while it does promote a submissive wife, it also calls on husbands to put their wives high on the list as well. I would also conjecture that being submissive doesn’t mean giving up who YOU are…I have MANY feels on this topic. Too many for a comment. Know that we love you and will support whatever decisions you and Josh make to grow as a family.

    • says

      Oh I love those points, Amanda. I think Annie also knows my stance on that. I love how the bible states the husband should love his wife as much as Jesus loves the church. With that kind of love, love of the highest, submission hopefully will come naturally. Of course we are all only mere humans and sin is in our nature. I always think of something my pastor taught our church – sinning is easy, being a Christian is hard. It takes work to live a life like the bible tells us to. Marriage is a partnership and it will take results from both sides to make a difference.

    • says

      Amanda, I agree with you 100%. I think another thing I want to discover with my “experiment” is whether I got too busy in my work and started to ignore my partner. I also want to do this because I keep hearing these “voices” of people criticizing me and my strong role in the marriage. I want to try it their way just to see.

      But you are also right about God’s desire for husbands to love and serve their wives. What am I supposed to do when I get ignored and taken for granted? Getting angry doesn’t work. So I am treating him with MORE love, MORE happiness, MORE attention and will see what the result of that is :)

  2. says

    Kudos to you for trying this. I would guess it will be great for the whole family. I don’t know what is “right” for a marriage, but taking time and working on it is never a bad thing. Hubs and I are starting a small couple groups to do this same thing. I too am interested in hearing what Josh says. The kiddos might have some interesting insight too after mommy unplugs :D ENJOY!

    • says

      Thank you Meagan! You are definitely right. Taking a break and focusing on the family will be right. And Josh is really excited about sharing his story!

  3. says

    I gave up facebook for lent last year. it was really trying. i ended up on twitter. then i hated facebook because it had changed when i came back to it. then i got sucked in by candy crush. i love it but i hate it. it’s my own real communication with the world.

    i war with it a lot, because it would be great to have a blog and facebook page that mesh and so on without the hassle of actual facebook because it hides posts and so on and so forth trying to get you to buy ad space….so annoying.

    so I’m working 10x as hard as I should have to to get even one response… i have less time with 3 kids though. i have to really power through what i’m doing and use computer/nap time wisely.

  4. says

    I admire your dedication. It is common to feel a lull in your relationship as the kids become more independent, especially if you are working.

    I suggest revisiting the premarital counseling books. Take time to learn about one another. Take in each other’s perspective on your life in detail.

    Best wishes.

    • says

      Thank you Astacia. I will go back to them and try to get to know Josh better. We have only been married 8 years, but packed SO MUCH LIFE in 8 years. We have both changed so much since our wedding day.

  5. says

    You have so many fantastic ideas – and I think this is one of them. My husband and I spend a LOT of time on the computer. He piddles around while I write after the kids go to bed. I don’t know if we could handle THREE DAYS off the computer (or our phones, if I am being honest). I am interested to see how this works for you guys!

    Also, there are several Instagram feeds I follow that give LOTS of good advice: /marriageworks and /husbandwife4life.

    • says

      Thank you for those instagram suggestions, I am going to check them out.

      I know, 3 days off the computer will be so hard. I use it as a coping mechanism, to be honest. I use my phone as avoidance….as a crutch. This will help me face my problems head on.

  6. says

    I’ll be interested to read the results! 3 days seems like a really short time to awaken from the coma and get moving in a common direction, but baby steps for the long walk. Kudos for giving it a whirl!!!

    • says

      Stephanie, Josh said the same thing when I let him proof-read this post before I published it. “3 days? That is all? Make it at least a week.” But when I told him about the deadlines I have and the posts I have to write for other sites, he agreed. I don’t want to feel guilty for making a living from home. I hope my 3 days gives me even a little bit of perspective.

  7. says

    First off, I think it’s totally awesome that you’re doing what you can for your marriage. Marriage is not always easy, and yes, we do get to those points where we’re just comfortable with each other. That’s a rut that can lead to many major issues in the future. I’m glad you and him both are working on getting over that hump before it becomes an issue.

    There is so much more I’d love to say to this post, and probably will in a blog post of my own on one of my Wednesday posts. Because I do strive to stay far and I mean far away from that situation, and my husband works equally as hard on his end to keep it from happening too. We have created many things to keep it from happening.

    I have faith in you both. I will pray for you and your marriage. It sounds strong and healthy, but you’re aiming to get that spark going once again.

    • says

      Thank you so very much for the prayers. Josh and I usually try hard as well. But between the two of us, I always try harder. That is just me. I’m the oldest child, always striving for perfection. He’s the youngest, content and carefree. I can’t wait to hear his story and his thoughts on this blog. Marriage takes work from BOTH people, it does.

  8. says

    I think we all want that back, when we have a moment to stop and think about how exciting hot thrilling exstatic delicious it was. Even me, and I am 61. I WANT the fever back. But, the soft, slow, mature love is just as satisfying, and lasts a long long time.

    • says

      Thank you Karen. Thank you so much :) I know the soft slow mature love does last and that is why I refuse to give up on Josh. He is such a wonderful man. I really am blessed. I hope this experiment helps me see his many wonderful attributes better.

  9. Ben Deaver says

    Just met your husband, Josh, tonight at our little house church and learned of your blog from him. I enjoyed reading this post. Thanks for writing!

    • says

      Hi Ben! Josh said he really enjoyed the small group tonight. He wants me to tag along next time – so I can’t wait to meet everyone. Glad you enjoyed this post, it’s pretty honest. :)

  10. Debbie isaacson says

    Annie, I truly enjoyed this post (I enjoy reading all of your writing). Enjoy your experiment. I appreciate what others have said about marriage being a partnership. I am also passionate about my work and driven. Rich supports me by allowing and accepting all parts of me, including my driven side. All marriages are different, but the ones that bring the best out in each other can get through anything. There is an ebb and flow to all things in life, marriage included, and those marriages that are built on a solid respect and friendship will go through times of less passion, and times of more passion. Have fun with your experiment! I am sure glad I finally woke up from what I have called my “mom” coma!

    • says

      Thank you so much :D That really made me smile! And I agree with you 100%. The best marriage really is one that brings out the best in both people. The thing that I am the most excited about with this experiment is hearing Josh’s point of view at the end. Christians will quote about the roles of men and women all day long but you are right – it is a partnership and I can’t wait for Josh to share his side of things. This is going to be good. I start tomorrow!

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