My heart longs for the thrill, the unquenchable desire and wondering if that desire is returned. Remember that first love? The passion…no…passion is too weak a word. My heart fluttering into my throat, wondering if this sexy man returned my love. Then overwhelmed with desire for his body as I realized he was as madly in love with me as I was with him.
I want that back.
When did we lose it? Why must it ever be lost? Can it be returned?
Our marriage is so young, and yet we managed to squeeze so much life into 8 brief years. Three young children, two businesses (one closed one thriving). Travel, ballet, tap, Tae Kwon Do, house remodel. It has never slowed down!
Is that the answer? To slow down? But to slow down is to miss an opportunity, to fall behind as your competitors pass you by. And to slow down is to, well, slow down. When life is fast and exciting it keeps my attention. Slow is boring. Slow is laziness.
Slow is Josh’s pace. And yet I cannot bear the thought of going his pace. I am driven! I have goals, dreams, a bullet list of items to accomplish.
The Christian community would tell me to be a good submissive wife and go the pace of my husband, not force him to allow me to go my own pace. It is a partnership, not a dictatorship. He should not acquiesce to me, I ought to defer to him. He is God’s head of our household. And so on.
I rebut with the argument: As the head of the house, Josh empowered me to make my own decisions for my own happiness. He understands my skills and drive are best suited for accomplishing my potential and does not want anything to hold me back.
I wonder…I wonder what would happen if I tried to live how the “Christian community” wants me to. In the same vein as my friend wrote in her book “A Year in Biblical Womanhood,” I want to try the same experiment, but not as in depth. I want to spend 3 days staying off the computer and keeping a calm, quiet, yet joyful spirit in the home. I want to try that life, just to see what it is like for my family. What would happen? Would my moodiness alleviate, resulting in a happier home (and better marriage?). Or would all the pressure on Josh’s shoulders break him, drive me crazy, and pull us even farther apart?
I am willing to do anything to bring peace and romance back into our home. This experiment will open my eyes to parts about my thoughts and viewpoints that will hopefully shed light on solutions I overlooked before. Our family is rushed, my work is packed, our hearts are not still and yet the marriage is in a comfortable coma.
I’ve heard the comfortable coma is a place marriages fall into in the midst of the business of children and employment. Taking a step back ought to prove illuminating. I can’t wait to share my results!
The 3-day challenge will run from Thursday, February 6th – Sunday, February 9th. My co-writer Rachel will be publishing a post on Thursday (avocado pudding!) but I will not be on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, or writing on my blog.
P.S. Josh read this post before I published it. He thinks it is a fantastic idea and he is going to write a post of his thoughts after the experiment is over.