The world used to seem so big, so inviting. I wanted nothing more than to do it all. I wanted to eat all the food, revel in the flavors. I searched for meaning and questioned everything I believed in. The question, “who am I?” plagued my early adulthood.
Live life with no regrets
I took that phrase literally. Making every “right” choice I could. Sticking to the straight and narrow. Reading rule books and matching my shoes to my clothes. I graduated high school, then attended college full time. No partying for me, I was responsible and involved in my community and campus. When I fell in love, I made sure to graduate college. Then came the children – three before I was 27 years old. Again with the rule books. I dedicated myself to the Bible and Dr. Sears.
Now, I am 30.
I sit, looking back at a life very well lived. I dare say, I squeezed every ounce of life out of my 30 years. I traveled, loved, ate, cried, endured pain and triumph, sorrow and joy.
I have no regrets.
You see, you only regret what you wish you could do differently. And every single choice – good and bad – led me to this very moment. My memories and experiences are not the same as yours. And that is ok. I do not wish I had your trophies, I have my own. I do not wish I had a lack of bad choices – I have wisdom. I have grown from them.
Now that I am 30, I know what is the most important to me. In fact, I am going to get a tattoo with these three things to remind myself every day:
Every time I try to live without praying to him and relying on his comfort, I experience the deepest loneliness and fear. God has carried me through difficult times in the past, and I know he will continue to be the one steadfast thing in my life when everything collapses. No matter who or what others might believe, I love and trust in Him.
My three children. My dedicated husband. We will experience pain and happiness in waves together. We will hold each other when we cry, dance when we sing and laugh at the hilarity. Family is the single most important thing. I cannot and will not allow anything to come between it. Not my own selfishness, not sickness nor anger nor disappointment. I love them the way they are and hope for what they can be.
This is my life. It is messy. It isn’t yours. It isn’t hers. While I continue to struggle with comparing myself to others (jealousy is my biggest weakness) I acknowledge it and work even harder to embrace my life as mine. I love to write. I love my children. I listen to country music and enjoy traveling. I prefer to send my kids to school than to struggle with trying to teach them myself. I have a short temper but a long-lasting love and forgiveness.
Now that I am 30, I am making what I want to happen, to happen. My fate is no longer in the hands of others. I don’t worry about who my friends are, because I know. They are the ones that I can allow to cry on my shoulder and who listen to my heart in return.
I thought I have lived like I was 30 my entire life. But I was bound by the snares of envy, insecurity and lack of wisdom. Now that I am 30, I want to see what life is really like!